Sometimes, I’m that paranoid mom.

I try not to be, but sometimes, when its 5:20 in the morning and my child hasn’t made a peep all night long, I can’t help myself. I have to get up and check on him. I’ve got to not only see him, but lay my hand on his chest and make sure I can feel it rise and fall, even if I can hear him breathing.

I know I’m not the only person to do this, which makes me feel better about it.

Sometimes, though, I think I’m one of the few who worries on the walk from my room to his that I didn’t kiss him goodnight and have one last pre-bed cuddle. What if I open that door and, heaven forbid, he’s not alive? The last thing I will have done is squeezed his leg, and that’s not enough!

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When I was in Africa, we had some pretty sick babies in our care.

A few weeks after I was there, one of them, little Tebello, died. She had been sick since I’d arrived, and her death wasn’t totally surprising, but it was still hard. And the only “good” pictures we had of her she looked really sick in.

So, when a little boy, Moketsi, suddenly spiked a high fever a few days later and was laying next to me, I pulled out my camera snapped a picture of him, and whispered, “now we have a good picture of you! Just in case…”

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I don’t think its good for me to live in fear that something will happen to Colton, or to live in fear of him growing up. Chances are, he will grow up, marry, and have babies of his own, like most children do. Trust me, I don’t sit around contemplating this often.

This was only three months ago. He looks soo much bigger now!

But, I do think it is a good reminder to enjoy the moments we have while I can; enjoy him being little while he is little. Someday he won’t be little, and I want to enjoy these days while I have them.

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